I Must Confess

I met my husband through pen and paper. We wrote snail mail. We used real pen and paper. E-anything was unheard of then. By the time we got married, online chat means Telnet. Do you remember Telnet?

I received his letter in June, right before I started my second year of nursing school. He sent a picture and a two-page letter. I was enthralled. Even though I have received over 100 letters by then, I was still impressed with him.

I fired up a reply. It’s probably one of the most honest letter I have ever written. I re-read his letter while I wrote back. It’s like a conversation, but delayed.

The mails are slow. A letter takes over a week to arrive, it’s like they’re delivered with a one-oared canoe. We started numbering our letters, just so we know which one it’s referring to. It wasn’t necessary for me. I can actually point which letter it’s referring to even without the numbers.

We wrote fast and furious for over 3 months. When we had finally run out of things to say, or discuss (that’s about 300+ letters between the two of us, excluding cards and post cards), we’re in love!

Less than five months letter we’re married. But, it wasn’t after about 6 more months that we sleep together…

My 4-year old would say something cool and then exclaimed, ‘Why did I say that?’ He’s so cute! My case however, is not for that same expression but for a different one. I’m forever wondering, ‘Why didn’t I say that?’

Have you ever walk away from a disagreement and suddenly thought of a perfect thing you could have said but didn’t? It’s very frustrating for me. I grew up believing that I must be careful with people’s feelings and they’ll be careful with mine.

That hasn’t been the case lately with my husband. I realized that he’s got a lot of stresses at work and everywhere else…but does he have to be so rude to me? I’m always bending over backwards making him feel great, but he’s not as careful with my feelings when he’s mad.

Sometimes, I get so frustrated I imagine myself just driving away and never coming back. In fact, I would probably have done it if I didn’t have my children to consider. It’s not that I don’t love him, because I do. And he’s not even mean all the time. It’s when he’s stressed or angry about something. Then I can’t breath.

It’s been really hard to breath around him when he’s mad lately. I was just thinking how careful I am with whom my children are around with. A promiscuous sister? Gone! Someone’s been in jail? Don’t want them around. Someone’s always crying, depressed at a drop of a hat? Ditto. So, what to do with an angry man around my kids?

I’m sure that this, too will be resolved, but in the meantime, I think I’d better look for an anger management program and send my husband there. I really don’t like it when my kids are starting to behave like him when they’re frustrated. It’s not very healthy at all in my opinion.

• Currently Reading: Bound By Your Touch by Meridith Duran

I took this picture the other day after I drove the kids to school. I like my shadow pictures. I just wish I’m as tall as it. Or this one. I was just wondering what would make a person acquire such wild mood swings, I’m starting to cringe at the thought of it. I don’t really like loud noises. Yes, my mother screamed a lot when I was growing up, but that doesn’t faze me as much as a man bellowing. You see, I have many relatives who’d get drunk on Tanduay rum. They would start behaving badly. Mostly screaming and bellowing at the top of their lungs and sometimes, chasing each other with sharp knives intent on killing each other. No one ever got injured, or has died of knife wound, but it’s terrifying to witness anyway. So, fast foward to 25+ years, and I’m still terrified of loud bellowing noises. I don’t really agree that discipline involves letting kids do whatever they want and then bellow at them because suddenly you don’t like what they are doing. That is just so inconsistent and I don’t think it works. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I don’t like loud noises or the smell of alcohol on anyone. At all!

• Currently Reading: Flirting with Forever - Gwyn Cready [139/415]